A  STRATEGY FOR YOUNG AND UNREADY

The heart wrenching poignancy of a parent who might die before their children are grown and married may be unavoidable, but the tragedy of that parent disappearing from a child’s heart and memory is. When you cannot finish your parenting in person, you must find another way. Sometimes it's easier to write things than to say them and in so doing, create an indelible message that they can revisit over and over, at any time day or night. Some write a book pouring out their heart and wisdom to those they leave behind. Others write each child, sibling and spouse a love letter full of affirmation and encouragement. Decide what you want to do and start; it is never too soon; you don’t want to find yourself someday on the homestretch dragging a chain of shoulda, coulda, wouldas behind you.

Even more important than preparing advice for your kids for their future is showing them how to cope with the present as it unfolds, how to deal with the tuff stuff and how to find a silver thread, something good, something positive, and how to always focus  on it.

 Deciding when and how much of your cancer story to share with your kids is always hard. Just remember that if you choose to hide the truth, you cannot hide your feelings. Kids invariably sense them and when they don’t know where they come from they feel even worse. Try to share as much as you can of the truth as often as you can and help them make sense of it and process their feelings. When you share your honest feelings about the illness you are modeling vulnerability and honesty and inviting them to do the same. They will be healthier in the long run and you will be less anxious. They will all face difficulties someday. Protecting them now will leave them unprepared to face tomorrow.  They likely have lived with an illusion of safety which is now shattering and you have a rare opportunity to show them how to find the pieces and start putting them back together into something that can be good. It will take time but teaching them how to do it is essential.