THROW YOURSELF ALL IN

Thoughts about what you are losing are unavoidable (and normal); denial is no escape. Grief will always have its way with you. It will come out one way or another, often at most inconvenient times. It is a spoiler and unless you deal with it, every day will be in peril, like driving on bald tires — spin out can be around any corner. Get help. What you still have is too valuable to waste. Dredge up every feeling from that dark hole where they hide, bring them into the light, discover them completely, embrace them and deal with them.

Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS) doesn’t take a life suddenly; it steals it little by little, one day at a time, until there’s nothing left. It gives you plenty of time to reflect as you watch strength seep away and death approach. This was Prof. Morrie Schwartz’s experience*15 and he left some good advice.  "By throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is."  You know what loss is. You discover what you will miss and what you will regret. Think about it all.  Talk about it.  Write about it. Be angry about it. Then deal with it, on your knees, or on the counselors couch, or over a cup of coffee with a dear friend.

 When you discover what grief is, you can discover what it is not and that is even more important.  It isn't you! You still have you. Enjoy what you have. Keep the illness in its place and move on. Suffering and loss deserve their do, but no more than that. They are what they are, but they do not preclude meaningful, productive and even joyful living. Put them in their place again and again and keep moving onward.

This is not something you can, or should, do by yourself. You need another, a spouse, a sibling, a friend, pastor, or counselor. Odds are that someone is already at your side and experiencing your illness with you. If not, find someone. People in isolation move forward slowly or not at all.  Conversation can heal all parties. The dark and potholed roads you are traveling will come to everyone someday, so they will be better off for having navigated them with you.

 Every hope and fear, every attempt to make sense of your illness, every revelation and every roadblock deserves attention. What you discover will define the challenges of the backstretch. Many obstacles will yield and questions will find answers. Much of the turmoil will resolve. What you feared will lose its power and your need for denial will lessen.

 A Buddhist I knew would say about life’s issues, “Identify them, and then detach from them. Pretend as if they don't exist.” As I watched him do that, what first appeared to be serenity soon revealed itself as a cold lifelessness with a benevolent, but artificial smile?  The passion and tenderness to relate to others, and the eagerness to find meaning and the purpose were all gone. While waiting to die, he didn't need denial, because he seemed in many ways to be dead already. Detachment looked different on the outside from denial, but the effect was the same - lonely! There may be a better option.